When was the last time you emailed someone without asking for something?

Let that sink in for minute…

The answer is probably a little disheartening, isn’t it? Almost 99 percent of the time, I email people when I need something: Asking for them to accept my pitch and commission me a story. Asking for photos or quotes or an interview. Asking for their expertise to help me understand a topic. Asking for help securing a source or wrapping my head around a complex topic. It’s ask, ask, ask… all day long.

On the opposite end, publicists are asking for a lot, too. Asking freelance writers and editors to consider their idea, include their client in a story, pitch an angle on their original research. Asking about run dates. Asking what else they’re working on and how they can be of assistance.

The ask is a huge part of this business. It’s the way we get things done, and I’m a huge advocate of publicists and writers working as partners on stories (obviously!). But lately, I’ve felt disheartened with how transactional the routine has become. Some days, it’s gotten to a point where I dread opening a single email because of what that person reaching out will be asking of me. My time, my resources, my thoughts, my expertise? We can all feel low in those tanks sometimes, and even be running on fumes some days when the asks feel like they’re crushing us.

My proposed solution: prioritizing the relational over the transactional.

When a publicist approaches me with the single mindset of wanting something, of accomplishing a goal they’ve set for themselves or that their client has set for them, I sense it. There’s almost a hidden tension to email correspondence with one side doing all the asking, and another doing all the answering (i.e., “What can you do for me?”). One person is doing all the giving, while another does all the taking. Instead of taking time to get to know me as a writer and a person, they’re looking at our interaction as transactional. I’m the means to which they can accomplish an end (usually, coverage in a top-tier publication). These interactions feel overwhelming, draining and dreary. There’s a limit to how many of these a person can handle positively during a day.

Relational interactions, however, take on a much different tone. Rather than asking me how I can help them or how I can get their client coverage, publicists prioritizing relationships are brainstorming ideas with me on the outlets I write for, that may (or may not!) include direct coverage of their clients. They’re getting to know my style, my interests, my writing… and building our relationship by using that knowledge to suggest further angles and approaches that could be a mutual good fit.

On my side of things, I’m focusing on relational with PR teams when I respond letting someone know a particular pitch or news item isn’t a good fit for me, but asking them to send a current client list and to keep in touch. I’m focused on relationships when I congratulate someone after noticing a promotion on LinkedIn, or perhaps a move to a new city or job. These are small differences, but ones that plant the seeds of a relationship that both sides can nurture, to great effect down the road. They take time to build, and energy to grow, but are by far the most fulfilling and sunny interactions you can have. Frankly, they make the media industry worth staying in.

I received some excellent advice from a good friend and former boss of mine about keeping in touch (that I mentioned in this article last year): Nurture relationships by keeping in touch without asking for something. In 2020, I’m taking this to heart. I encourage you to take a step today by reaching out to one person without asking for something from them. It feels so good—and chances are, that person on the receiving end will find joy in this, too. (And, um, this probably applies in your personal life, too—but I’m not here to give dating advice.)

Would you try this approach? Are you open to being more relational, rather than transactional, this year? Let me know in the comments! I’d love to hear about your experiences.